You Call This a Conversation??
Conversation is an art that is a joy to share- usually. But, have you ever had that feeling when trying to talk with someone that you are trains on two different 
tracks, riding through the same part of the country, but destined to never connect. Or that you have been assigned the roll of listener, because the other person is broadcasting and filling all available space. Maybe the most difficult is the rare person that just looks at you expectantly, as though you should be saying more, but never offering you a hook to hang your hat on.
Once, when I was at a party at a relative’s house, I met his girlfriend’s father for the first time. He seemed pleasant enough, bright and engaging, interested in my perspectives on certain issues, asking me my views. Then, suddenly, out of the blue, he sprang! He was on me with a vengeance, laying logical traps, showing me the inconsistencies of my positions, cutting me off half way through any comment I had. You know, I have to admit to everyone reading this that, “No, I haven’t read the entire American Constitution in detail and no, I can’t tell you what the XYZ Amendment says or how it was initiated.” When I finally politely, but firmly, informed him that I was really looking forward to meeting and socializing with some new people, he told me that was typical. I thought to myself that with most of the people he met, it probably was quite typical.
I was later informed that he was like that with everyone. He felt it was his duty to teach people and show them better ways. In another context, it might have been tolerable and even enjoyable. I’m certain I would have learned. Had his attitude and approach been different, I know I would have learned. Had he allowed himself to, I’m certain he would have learned, also. But, under those circumstances, he violated an unwritten code of conduct that most people understand. It’s along the lines of an unwritten, but understood social contract that says that unless this is a nudist colony, we will consider it rude for you to take your clothes off here and now!
How are you at conversation? What do you value the most in a good conversation? Do you usually seek something similar from each conversation – or is it truly different for every person you meet and every occasion? Are your conversations usually with like-minded people or do you like being challenged and broadened by other points of view?
I’d love to converse with you on this. I’m listening…
Picture of Arguing Eggheads – I think that may be the name –
at University of California at Davis. Yours truly is mediating.
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Tags: Conversation, People
That breed if quite ubiquitous. I Avoid them like the plague. They do not want to teach, they want to show off their stash of information. There is no wisdom there.
You dabble in some psychology too. What do you think? I think that this is drawing attention to oneself. Look at me, listen to me!
I rarely if ever talk in the conventional sense. I normally answer questions. My strength as a conversationalist is my sense of humour and the ridiculous. Since these do not come anywhere near being personal, I tend to lighten up situations and sometimes am even blamed for being insensitive and saying the wrong things in the wrong places, like joking in a hospital room with a convalescing friend. He would of course later confirm that he enjoyed my being there rather than the other grim serious people.
I suppose that I compensate in my blogs! You asked for it!
rummuser’s last blog post..Learned Vs Learnt.
So, Mr. Rajgopaul, now that you are comfortable on the couch, how does it make you feel when people misunderstand you as impersonal and insensitive, eh?
Truth is, you and I are a bit ornery, but that doesn’t mean we don’t care about people. Quite to the contrary, what you did with your friend in the hospital was manage tone, as Ellen Weber has spoken to so clearly. Humor often allows communication shorthand that conveys more interpersonally than a simple comparison of facts. Quite simply, if it doesn’t work at multiple levels, it isn’t funny. You were extending support in a way that grim assessment never could. You put your friend back in touch with his health, so he could recover. I would only disagree with you when you say it comes nowhere near being personal. Had it not been, he would not have confirmed his enjoyment of your presence. I think you were quite personal at a true emotional level.
As for my experience, I actually think this is a quite bright man who does indeed keep pointing to himself. What a shame! I think I could have learned a great deal from him.
Now, we need to get Jean over here. I’ve got some great jokes about the “Jean pool” that we can use…
I’ll no doubt have more to say on this later.
For now I’ll just say that I think rummuser handled the hospital incident brilliantly.
I’m amazed at how many people think communication is about words…so much of it is nonverbal. I remember my husband saying something outlandish about me once, but the way he caught my eye first made it not only funny but loving.
My main conversations now are with my daughter (by phone) and my husband…and with myself. At the moment I’m a friendly recluse. I like people, but often they have different interests, so when I’m with them we talk (mostly listening on my part) about things they care about. That’s why I wrote in a journal for years…until I switched to blogging. I never feel lonely when I write about things I care about. I’m touched when someone else responds, but it’s not necessary.
I also love interacting with dogs at the local shelter who need love and attention. Those interactions are mostly nonverbal, of course. They’re masters at that.
Back to your question–how am I at conversation? Probably not very good, but it’s not a big deal.
Jean Browman–Cheerful Monk’s last blog post..Two Great Role Models
PS I love that picture!
Jean Browman–Cheerful Monk’s last blog post..Two Great Role Models
I’m always amazed at how people can communicate so much and then say that they are not very good at conversation, Jean.
I read once that often the more perceptive people rate themselves lower in certain categories – inaccurately. They tend to set very difficult standards. Imperceptive people simply can’t tell they are no good at something and rate themselves very high.
Hi Conrad,
When I read your post I just laughed! Been there many times were a person just totally looses my engagement. It’s like an automatic thing just happens, not interested. I think your right on, another person with the same subject matter would have had me totally engaged because their demeaner was differeent in some mysterious way. Maybe not so mysterious but it sounds better doesn’t it?
Sometimes I think I am a better listener but lately I am not even sure of that.That’s usually when I have other things on mind and I am not being attentive. I like to ask questions when I meet someone or even my old friends. Find out who they are? Find out what’s going on with them right now? I get mixed responses from my own communications with different people. I always can tell whether it’s in flow with the other persons wants and needs at the time or its just their own time constraints.Body language speaks so honestly. I do enjoy conversations that just flow.
Love the two heads picture!
Diane
Thank you, Diane! I laughed AFTER I was able to extricate myself!
I am also very much a fan of conversations that flow. That flow itself becomes palpable as we are communicating at so many levels and in so many ways. I marvel at how much can be communicated in so short a period of time.
And that two heads picture is totally one of my favorites. I handed the camera to a friend and said, “You’ve got to take a picture of me with those two!” There are other poses of the heads that I think I still have that may weave into other story lines.