The Opposite Sex …
This topic was brought to us for our Friday Consortium offering by Ashok. Not all Consortium members will write on it, because many are finding themselves intermittently occupied by vacations, careers or romance. But, all are always worth the read and I will be going through my list of Consortium links on the left side of this window right after I post this. I encourage you to do the same.
Everyone knows the confusions involved with understanding the opposite sex … but what if the confusion were, “Which sex IS the opposite sex?” In someone very close to me and my wife, it played out as I will soon narrate, but please understand that I have not asked nor gotten permission to indicate either the identity of this person or how they are connected with our family. Suffice it to say that we are close.
He was still identifying as a man when he came to Carol and me, saying there was something he wished to talk about with us. We assumed, once we learned that it was not a health issue, that he might tell us he was gay. But he didn’t. He told us that he was a transgender personality. We were unprepared and frankly puzzled, for this was before the condition was known well to the public, so it took awhile for him to acquaint us with the concept.
He told us that he was and always had been attracted to women and was not gay, perplexing us further. Then he said that he saw himself as a woman and always had as far back as he could remember. Indeed, he had worn his mother’s and sister’s clothing in private since the age of four.
It was then that he dropped the shoe and told us that he intended to live as a woman. We immediately wondered if this meant surgery and he assured us, no, he was not going to have a sex change. But, he wanted to tell us first, because he had others that all of us knew who would need help with acceptance and he wished for our assistance.
Well, to make a long story short, we became more acquainted with the idea. We attended a Halloween party that year of his – who had now become her, the way that I will refer to her from this point forward – friends in the San Francisco transgender community. One was a former Marine, who, to my amazement, didn’t bother much with acting in any feminine manner. But, others were quite feminine as well as the transgender women-to-men who appeared fairly masculine. We learned a different view of the universe that night. One woman, quite attractive, was a well-known male newspaper columnist with a family by day, with a family and kids – an arrangement that was totally above board with the family, but not with the newspaper! She was so articulate and intelligent, we talked for a length of time and came away much more comfortable.
Somewhere in the vicinity of 5 to 10% of the population is gay. But the prevalence of transgender individuals is much less! They have been shunned historically in a much more vehement manner than homosexuals and have often been killed. Many of the readers of this post may be feeling discomfort or worse as they read this piece.
But, I say to you the same thing that I said to so many of those near me regarding this subject: “I know you have questions, for so do I. Would you like to discuss this?”
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Tags: Transgender
You have added another dimension to the discussion that I have started on my post on the LBC post. I hope that this will lead all of us to better understanding about some matters, about which, frankly, I am undereducated.
Rummuser´s last blog ..The Opposite Sex.
I count among my friends several members of the LGBT movement. Some are in partnerships, some satisfied to be alone while others are still looking for that special person to share a meaningful relationship with. Most I have personally met through the Blog world.
I had followed the journey of one guy with a wife and family in a very male world, as he worked through his decision to face the changes he thought necessary right through to his surgery and onto the other side as a woman. It was at this stage our paths crossed in the real world.
Grannymar´s last blog ..Men & Women
Several years ago a couple of my lesbian clients in KC invited me to go to Missy B’s in midtown for the Halloween Cross-dressers fashion show! I have never had so much fun with so many nice people! There were an awful lot of people dressed up as Cher – of course! Little Bo Peep came over and sat with me and asked me if I would disown my son for dressing like him. I assured him that I would only embrace him! It was so sad and he was such a nice kid! Didn’t get home until 2 am that night and I met and talked with the most amazing people! But there was also some sadness in the people that I talked with – they were conflicted and in pain as they tried to be what they are in a world that doesn’t understand them. I came away from that night with a sure understanding that people are born the way they are and cannot change over just by wishing it so!
Ramana, I believe that all of us now walking in those shoes are undereducated. There is no better educator than experience. At least I have the experience of several others in my life now who can communicate some of their understandings to me.
Grannymar, so much of the journey is poignant. Many of the transgender females I have met have been rejected by their families and we have had many at our Thanksgiving table over the years to return some of that sense of belonging.
Deb, Kansas City has more diversity of expression than some of the surrounding countryside. And, I know what you mean by fun! I, too, have had some very enjoyable times.
Your point about not changing just by wishing it so I think is extremely well taken and well said.
Thank you for this. All people deserve to be treated with dignity and consideration. It’s a shame that society marginalises those whom they see as “different” from “the norm”. What a lovely story.
Ginger´s last blog ..The Opposite Sex: Wratch
Knowledge breeds awarenees, awareness breeds familiarity and familiary kills stigma. I really like the liberal tone of your take on the topic. As usual Conrad, I bown down to thee
Ashok´s last blog ..The Opposite Sex
In the late forties there was a girl who cut her hair like a boy’s & wore pants. Every other girl had long hair & wore dresses. This was before slacks & homosexuality being heard of. Transgender hadn’t been invented. (My Speller isn’t even recognizing it.)
Such a pity that people don’t accept that this is genetic. I saw evidence of transgender 60 years ago when we were all conventional look a-likes.
P.S. You might think this is a case of cross dressing (which also was unheard of in the forties). But this was this girl’s only recourse to becoming a boy.
So many people still see gender as very much a black and white affair (so to speak), that is, all or nothing. And yet we have learned so much about the fuzzy boundary between the two. The babies born who are NOT clearly one gender or another, but who are arbitrarily assigned a sex by the doctors. The influence of the chemical environment of our brains. While there are clear differences between the outside ends of the spectrum, the middle is much more ambiguous than most people realize or would like to admit.
Back in the 40’s I used to dance with a person named Mickey and we cut a mean rug. Mickey was a mechanic at one of the car dealerships and made a good living while taking care of (I found this out much later) “her” mother. She was a good looking boy and had me totally fooled. I’ll admit that I wondered why some of the people around us smirked when we came off the dance floor and she joined her group and I joined mine. She never made any advances that I knew of and we had a lot of fun until I got involved with real boys and started dating…..then she picked other girls to dance with. As far as I ever knew she was not gay…..she did move to Kansas City and I missed dancing with her (some of the guys I dated had two left feet, lol). If everyone could just be accepted for who they are and not for what others think they should be, the world would be so much better to live in.
Corky
I really believe that everyone deserves to be accepted the way they are, without judgment. Having said that, in my (limited) dealings with transgender people (men who want to live like women) I cannot help feel that many of them live in a fantasy world. They (those to whom I have spoken) seem to think that being a woman is all about wearing cosmetics, heels and swanning around in silky lingerie. I truly wish that it was like that. But that, I fear, is only about one tenth of what being a woman is all about. Being a female has a tough side as well. Ask anyone who has been in the delivery room. Not that childbirth isn’t a joyous experience, but it is blood, sweat and tears and gut wrenching agony too. You’ve got to go through the pain to (hopefully) get to the joy. There are aspects to being a woman which I would not have wished on my worst enemy. Having said that, I wouldn’t have missed it either and truly love being what I am. I do hope that I don’t come across as a cynic, but based on what I personally have experienced, these are my thoughts on the subject.
gaelikaa´s last blog ..Ne’er The Twain?
I’ve always said that if the men had to have the babies, there would only be one child in each family, lol……I will have to admit that I’ve had dentists hurt me worse than childbirth tho’. The reason for that might be that I had a saddle block with my first child so felt nothing and with the second I had a saddle block but she came so quickly that all they gave me was a mask full of oxygen (some ding-dong mixed up the tanks so I didn’t get any gas).
Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors anyway so who gives a rip what kind of clothes someone wears?
Corky
Even as straight as I am, I want the government and my neighbors to stay out of my business. And I am sure many people have issues with the clothes I wear. And my private life is private- as all shoud be, And don’t even try to make guesses or decisions on my emotional health issues- unless you are there everyday for a long time and know all the details. And if you look behind my closed doors- peek at your own risk. I tell my husband that with me it is “what you see is what you get”. I am not fake. If I appear to care about something, I truly do. Let’s see how much difference we can make by caring about a persons true needs- and actually doing something about it. If you want to butt in to someone elses business, butt in by donating to the local food bank. Volunteer at the local homeless shelter or VA hospital. These are people that need us butting in.