Leveraged Intelligence

News Flash: King Tutankhamun No Longer Cursing!

San Francisco, CA,  February 27, 2010:  Famed King Tutankhamun, boy King of Egypt, he of the foul cursing, has reportedly repented since it was discovered that he died from a leg infection and malaria, not as the result of a nefarious plot (nor even a Nefertitius plot), but instead a plot more of the garden variety.  It seems he was a bit embarrassed that it wasn’t a death more exotic.  To quote the King, speaking through Agnes Moredread (after everyone had successfully caused a table to rise and then bump around), “I felt kind of bad killing that guy who came into my tomb and then making that canary be eaten by the cobra and the dog drop over dead.  I mean, it just wasn’t very nice.  So, I have stopped cursing and hope to make it up to someone soon.”

Well, darned if he didn’t pull it off.  On the afternoon of the dangerous Chilean tsunami which generated a wave of .8 ft. along the Pacific Coastline where San Francisco’s Golden Gate Park meets the ocean, an intrepid pair of locals survived by spending the afternoon wandering through the park  somewhat aimlessly, enjoying it immensely.  This unlikely couple were Carol and Conrad Hake, better known as the parents of Carly Hake, international scholar.

After going to see the genuine Dutch Windmill, which Carol had always wanted to see, they wandered to the 55-acre Botanical Gardens, noting the irony that the only section seemingly incomplete and in disarray was the section of native California plants.  To quote Mrs. Hake, “It seems ironic at first … until you realize that this was the only section probably surrounded by plants of other lands and left simply as it was found.  By definition, anything growing there HAD to be a California plant.”  The Hakes have no further quotes after that, for they were found to actually be an uninteresting interview.

Wandering to the DeYoung Museum at 5:00 PM PST, they decided to check on the pricing of the King Tut exhibition taking place there.  Walking to the ticket desk, Mrs. Hake asked the attendant what the cost was of the exhibit.  The attendant replied, “Would you like to go in and see it now?”  She was told that, “no, we simply wish to know the pricing and the time schedule for another day.”  The Hakes had already spent $5.00 at the Botanical Gardens after all.

The attendant leaned over and spoke more slowly, perhaps thinking with some justification that the Hakes were not bright, saying, “No, you don’t understand.  Would you like to go see it right now, FOR FREE?  Someone did not pick up their tickets and we would like to give them to you.”  Bright or not, the Hakes homed in on the word FREE like it was Momma calling them in to dinner, and gladly accepted.

Now, I copy the ticket so that you may examine it:

Not only were the Hakes given two tickets, they were given two VIP passes!  The lines of people waiting to see the exhibit wound back and forth as they do in Disneyland; long lines, tiring lines.  But, being the VIP’s they were, the Hakes were ushered around the lines completely and taken directly into the exhibit.  Ten exhibit rooms of some of the most exquisite carvings, jewelry and furniture to be found anywhere!

Mr. Hake, who was thought to be mute to this point, was heard to exclaim as they disappeared into the night, “Thanks, Tut!  I owe you one!”

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The Year Without Easter

One month from today, we fly out from San Francisco. One month and two days from now, we arrive in Auckland. The day in between will be Easter for the rest of the world, but not for the Hakes this year. Easter will be lost at the International Date Line!

No coloring Easter Eggs with our granddaughter. No family meal. No sunrise church service … which we haven’t done in a few years anyway.

Worse, we leave in the spring, each day becoming longer and warmer. We arrive in the fall, each day becoming shorter and colder. And they want us to pay for this???

Well, don’t cry for me Art and Tina! How many of you have been to New Zealand? I am soliciting information and I know Maynard has some! What I want to know is what we HAVE to see, what you’ve seen, what is just WAY too exciting to miss. Here is a list of potential places Carly has for us so far:

• Auckland
• Rotorua – we already have reservations there and she wants to show us the adventures she had the first week.
• Abel Tasman National Park
• Tongariro National Park
• Franz Josef Glacier
• Milford Sound
• Christchurch
• Mt. Cook
• Queenstown

Other than using Google Earth and looking things up online, Carol and I know very little about NZ. So … input please!

Note: for those who would use this time to rob our house, Carol’s brother will be staying there so don’t even think about it!

The Wildest Thing I Did in My Youth

Gotta tell ya – when gaelikaa came up with this, my main problem was choosing what to say … and deciding what was appropriate to say … so I decided to just say it! I can’t wait to see what the other characters came up with, so be sure to peruse their takes on this, all published more or less simultaneously.  You can find links to all their sites on the left.  And, now, let the recounting begin:

It was the summer of 1977 when my best friend and I decided to take advantage of Greyhound’s offer of travel to anywhere in America for $50.  I had been teaching all year and while working nine months, I was paid on a twelve-month basis.  When you are young that seems like free money.

So, we got on the bus in Topeka, Kansas and headed for California!  Let me recount for you, chronologically, all the things that happened.  Cross my heart, all of them are true:

• On the way to Denver, the guys behind us were smoking pot.  The bus driver kept thinking it was us, probably because we had hair down to there.  I was getting ready to give the driver what for when my friend informed me that he was “holding,” the term for having a drug or two in his possession, and that we should just let it go.  So we did.  And we were summarily kicked off the bus at the Denver Depot.  At midnight.
• In the bus depot, the manager told us that if we wanted to go to the bathroom, it was best to go together, since a guy had been murdered in the bathroom overnight a couple of weeks before.So, a guy came in and we smoked some really good pot with him out back.  We had to do something with our time.
• We decided that we should make even better use of our time, so we decided to get train tickets across the Rockies to our friends’ house in Grand Junction.  We were on the train by 6:00 – and if you’ve never taken a train across the Rockies, let me highly recommend it!  We would stand between the cars and hang out in the fresh air, taking in the gorgeous views.  Then we settled in a car that seemed really nice – only to find that it was really nice because it was the crew’s car.  But, they liked us and told us we could hang with them.  In return, we got them stoned in Grand Junction.
• In Grand Junction, we got back on the bus with the ticket from the original $50, if you can believe that.  We went to Salt Lake City, where I met a lovely lady with whom I made out all the way to San Francisco.  You need to do something on a bus to pass the time.
• She put us up in North Beach in San Francisco for a couple of days and I really think she and I could have made a go of it – except that I was moving on, she had her boyfriend returning to town and, unbeknownst to me, my future mate was only 25 miles away.  Anyway, that was when I fell in love with San Francisco!
• Traveled on the bus to Southern California.  Met up with my buddy’s distant cousins.  Did our laundry.  Spent some time with them.  They tried to convert us to their brand of Christianity.  So, we exchanged pleasantries, explained how tight our schedule was – of which there was actually nothing, of course – and moved on.
• Took the local bus with no destination in mind.  Decided totally on impulse – because, and I mean this sincerely, when we did that, something a whole lot greater than us guided with uncanny precision, a concept a bit foreign to my buddy’s relatives – to get off at a hole we saw in the fence.  Went through the hole to the beach below.  Found out it was named Capistrano Beach, put down our sleeping bags … and found out later that this was a contested stretch of beach and thus was the only beach in Southern California you could sleep on without fear of reprisal.  Thank you, GREATER POWER!
• While we are staying on the beach, learning to harvest grunion, and partying in general (we were very popular, because we brought no expectations and just joined in), we sleep through a woman having a domestic argument, being shot, trying to run away and being hit by a train that ran by the beach.  She was OK after some patching up in the morning, because people who sleep on the beach seem to be pretty damn hardy, and my buddy and I helped her patch it up with her husband the next day.  We were very good at listening.
• Deciding to take a bus for a quick jaunt, we find a movie we’ve never heard of, go to the first Star Wars movie.  Walked up just in time to be in the front of the line … of course.  The Force was definitely with us and the movie made a crapload of sense.  Dude, we lived like that!
• Take another bus trip to the LA area and miss a connection.  No problem, because even the screw-ups workout for the two of us.  We notice that we are across the street from Disneyland (I’ll be damned!) so, my buddy, who always seems to have an endless supply of something, wheels out some mushrooms to munch and we go get tickets.  Wow!  It really IS the magic kingdom!
• Near the end of the day, out of the blue we meet up with a girl we know from Kansas.  This is a girl whose parents  have decided I am bad for her and that she is not to see me anymore.  We REALLY like each other.  Neither of us had any idea that the other was going to California, let alone anything else.  So, we go back to the Whalers Inn to talk and make out.
• Time to meet up with my buddy’s brother in Tucson.  We head back, find that Hell is actually cooler, but somehow find a place that we can stay for a bit.  I sleep in the basement the first night – and … the wall opens up for me with no chemical assistance whatsoever and I see things that Moses could relate to.  Next morning, I tell my mates that I am not sleeping down there again!
• Head to Durango, have adventures in mountains a bit, sleep on a mountainside – you know, regular stuff.
• Well, it is time to head home.  Now, we split into different groups and I am with my buddy’s brother, definitely one of my best friends in the universe these days, a guy I will be calling Saturday.  But, he and I can’t get a ride hitchhiking for anything.  However, we are picked up by a forest firefighter who is having all his animals and his wife shelling out new little beings.  This guy is magical!  He puts us up in a bedroom to sleep in paper firefighter sleeping bags on a floor that goes right out the window to a patio that he built on a second story into the trees.  Wow!
• We can’t get a ride together for anything.  So, we split up and decide that might help.  It does, but I get caught at the end of a day in Limon, Colorado in a rain storm and sleep overnight under a park bench.  I’m really starting to feel ridden hard and put away wet at this point, but I haven’t been put away quite yet.  Sheesh!  Cop wakes me up, makes me move on.  Later, I find that Mom had to pay a $12 fine for me sleeping there.
• Finally get the remainder of the rides home that I need.  Or, at least close enough that my folks can pick me up.  I have … and this is no exaggeration … 4 cents in my pocket!

That is the wildest adventure of my youth!  But, I still have a few others to relate to you.  Uh … quite a few!

International Misunderstanding

It started so innocently.  Walking hand-in-hand to school in New Zealand.  Then, he mentioned that as low as his backpack rode, he might as well just get a Fanny Pack and be done with it.

She left him … alone, puzzled …

Now, for the story behind the story!  Carly has just gone through an orientation in New Zealand.  They speak English in New Zealand and use most of the same words we do in America.  But, a lot of the words don’t have the same meaning.

You don’t say you are “rooting for your team,” because that means you are having sex with them.

And, “fanny” is the slang term for vagina in New Zealand.  One of the American girls from an earlier group went to a store in Auckland and told the clerk she was looking for a Fanny Pack – which, in America, is a backpack that rides at the top of the derriere and attaches around the waist – so the clerk puzzled for a bit, never having heard the term, and returned with two boxes.  One was Kotex and the other was Tampax, for he was unsure which the girl meant!

In New Zealand, the bag she wanted was a “Bum Bag.”

That makes me wonder how many things I put on this blog that are totally misinterpreted by my international readers.

Fifteen Minutes of Fame

“If I have given my all and still do not win, I haven’t lost. Others might remember winning or losing; I remember the journey.”

Apolo Ohno

Another in the Loose Bloggers Consortium series, this topic suggested from Maria.  I have Consortium members listed with links to their blogs in the left margin.  Since we all post simultaneously, it will be interesting as always to see what they have to say!

Question of the day: does loose refer to bloggers or to consortium here?  Ah … might have something to do with today’s topic, so let’s begin …

Lindsey Vonn / Apolo Anton Ohno / Lindsey Jacobellis / Shaun White

Above, I have four American Olympic athletes, each interesting in her or his own right.  Each represents an aspect of the American psyche in rather unique ways and it is a very important part of the American psyche at that.  America embraces competition as part of our ideal, so the way that our representatives relate to competition is very important to understanding us as a people – a people in transition.

In the ideal, we believe in accomplishment of the individual and we believe in that accomplishment in a competitive environment.  We believe that is what drives our wealth and – as I observe it – that our job in the world is to NOT LOSE!  We often see ourselves as the heroic carriers of the torch.  The world is obviously more complex than that, but it is very much at our core since World War II.  That colors how we compete in something like the Olympics, so let’s look at our four competitors as examples and see how they are doing and their attitudes toward it.

Lindsey Vonn

Lindsey is an American story that we really like.  She is the best, but she is injured, playing in pain.  She has to overcome obstacles to achieve her goal, she has to EARN a medal.   And, she has a mixed bag so far, but she sees it all to the good, for she gutted her way through to a gold in the women’s downhill skiing event.  It meant everything to her and she let it be known that she had given up so much to get that medal.  She was very emotional.

The mixed result for her is that I have just gotten the news that she fell in her second event and thus ends out of contention.

Apolo Anton Ohno

Apolo is, in many ways, the competitors competitor.  He has tied Bonnie Blair as the most decorated American Winter Olympian ever, with six medals, undoubtedly with more to come.  His workout regimens have been grueling to get to this point and he is in the prime condition of his life.  He will, almost without a doubt win more medals than the silver he got in his first race, thanks in VERY large part to one Korean skater taking out himself and his teammate to prevent a Korean sweep of the Short-track skating event Ohno has competed in.  It is a sport where fortune, good or bad, can play a major role and sometimes I wonder how much that has to do with Ohno’s attitude.

He is a nice balance of fiercely competitive and philosophically mellow, as evidenced by the statement he made at the beginning of this post.  The statement was put on Twitter this morning by him.  And, from observing him, I think he means it.  Nice.

Lindsey Jacobellis

This is one of the most interesting cases ever.  Lindsey is arguably the best in her sport of Snowboard Cross.  She has been world champion numerous times and – this is the monkey on her back – she dominated the Olympics in 2006 when, with a commanding lead coming to the finish line … she … tried an unnecessary trick … fell down … and took Silver! This was her chance for redemption, because she has been reminded of this every interview for four years.

She was well on her way.  Until she slipped up on a hard turn, hit a gate, and was immediately out of the race!  It was a stomach blow that would be hard to take!

But, she rolled with it and pitched herself into winning the consolation race.  Like Ohno, she talked about how great the experience of this Olympics was.  But, she added something else – she said that she was grateful she wasn’t injured and would be able to keep on racing.  The way she said it, you realized that she just LOVES to get on that snowboard and do what she does and I had the feeling that is more important to her than the medal.

Good for her!

Shaun White

This kid is phenomenal.  He does the half-pipe snowboarding and he absolutely dominates.  Like Lindsey Jacobellis, he is part of a culture more surfer than anything else, and they really hang loose!  Known as the Flying Tomato for his long red hair, Shaun has learned to market himself without losing either his competitive edge or his cool.  He is kind of the new American hero of his generation, to be honest.  He is someone you CAN’T resent for making 8 mil a year, more than any other Olympic athlete.  He hangs out with people like Richard Branson!

How does this fit in with our title of Fifteen Minutes of Fame?  Olympic athletes, unlike our professionals who parade before us week after week, year after year, only get one shot every four years.  There is only so long you can train before you age or just get tired of the regimen.  More than any other athletes, these people will be pretty much forgotten by the public until it is time for them to compete again.  They epitomize the torch itself that no one thinks about between Olympics, in the background, forgotten.  These people really don’t worry about that, I don’t think, for when they burn, they burn bright!

And, there you have it.  America as seen through one group of Americans.  We are a young culture.  We have a lot to learn.

My Little Warrior

She isn’t very big, just a smidge over 5 ft. tall (about 153 centimeters).  A smidge is just about this much – ||.  And, she can seem quite civilized as you can see above.

Yet, we find that going to New Zealand has brought out a different side: a mini Maori Warrior Princess!  She texted this message to me on Sunday:

I’m about to dress in warrior clothes, get my face painted with traditional markings, and do the haka!

I show you the Maori Haka from YouTube:

She said that only the men stick out their tongues – as though that would make me feel better.   Her group was videotaped performing it (not the group above, no) and then put on a DVD that she will be bringing home in June.

But … I’m almost afraid to bring her home …

A Visit … To The Barber

Our LBC topic this week is on a Visit or Visitors.  You can read the takes of others on this topic, suggested by Grannymar, by using the links to the Loose Bloggers Consortium members on the left.

Each week we take a single topic tossed in by a member and then we write on it totally independently, posting simultaneously.  This might yield anything from the silly to the sublime.  But, what you can guarantee is that it will be fun and unique!

My idea is to write on the American ritual chore right behind mowing the lawn in regularity and popularity – visiting the barber.  It takes time, it takes money, and often the result isn’t exactly what you were hoping for.

I have found a solution to this that works very nicely for me, thank you very much and I thought I would present it to you in the following video:

Excuse Me … NOT!

Kinman Chan, a 30-year old man from San Francisco, has claimed that he ransacked an airplane bathroom and emerged with his pants down, screaming and then grappled with flight attendants because he had take TWO marijuana cookies rather than his customary ONE marijuana cookie.  It forced the Philadelphia to Los Angeles flight to land in Pittsburgh.

According to a spokesman for the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Pittsburgh, this doesn’t have far reaching implications.

"I think everybody knows that marijuana doesn’t cause this sort of behavior," he said. "I don’t think this guy’s claims are going to have much affect beyond this little story."
Regarding Chan’s medical marijuana cookies, a chuckling Smith adds, "Maybe it was the sugar."

I’m glad, because I just got this prescription filled from my accountant:

Groundhog Day!

Every year on February 2nd, in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, a groundhog named Phil is taken from his den to see if he sees his shadow.  If he does, there will be six more weeks of winter – although, a grey day would seem to indicate that to me, but .. – and this is obviously important to our people, our agriculture, our economy, etc.  Well, I had heard that the original Phil died last year or the year before.  So, they put in a new groundhog.

I couldn’t get a clear picture, but I think I may recognize this groundhog in PA …

The Perfect Life

This piece is part of the Loose Blogger’s Consortium series that appears on Fridays.  And, these are a blast.  This topic really was a stumper, Ramana Rajgopaul!

You can find the other members’ names – and they will be tackling this same subject – on the left.

As I write this, there are approximately 6,980,353,928 answers to the question, “What is a perfect life?”  Everyone is born with different circumstances, different abilities and different challenges.  We try to approach the question through so many of our disciplines, to give guidance that all can follow even though each fulfills unique values in life. So, let’s look at three sources.

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Matthew 5:48 – Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. – From Christ’s Sermon on the Mount

The above picture is Bloch’s painting of The Sermon on the Mount

The Sermon on the Mount is the core teaching of Christ’s ministry.  Even for those quite opposed to religion, it is worth reading, as it would seem to be the most succinct guideline to “perfection” from Christ’s pronouncements.  It might also make you wonder how we derived the Christian religion as practiced after you have read it.  It is in the Gospel of Matthew, Chapters 5, 6 and 7.

It is the realization of how far short that we fall that most Christians take as our lot in life and that only through the salvation of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross that we can gain entry to what would be called a perfect life.  However, this seems to me to, in part, be an avoidance of a direct commandment from Christ to His followers.

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Tao Te Ching – Lao Tzu – chapter 16

The following is a translation by Jane English with Gia-Fu Feng.

Empty yourself of everything.
Let the mind rest at peace.
The ten thousand things rise and fall while the Self watches their return.
They grow and flourish and then return to the source.
Returning to the source is stillness, which is the way of nature.
The way of nature is unchanging.
Knowing constancy is insight.
Not knowing constancy leads to disaster.
Knowing constancy, the mind is open.
With an open mind, you will be openhearted.
Being openhearted, you will act royally.
Being royal, you will attain the divine.
Being divine, you will be at one with the Tao.
Being at one with the Tao is eternal.
And though the body dies, the Tao will never pass away.

I’ve always liked the Tao Te Ching.

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The Perfect Height

The best, however, I save for last,  insight that came from a very unexpected source.   When my uncle, my father’s brother lost over Germany in World War II – my namesake – was in high school, he was asked by an older woman how tall he was.  When he answered, “Six feet tall,” she had to correct him.  “Oh no, dear.” she said, “Only our Lord Jesus was exactly six feet tall.”

From this, we can see that we have ONE truly objective measure of perfection in life – you must be precisely six feet in height.  I assume this is true for women also.  It is also clear that anyone currently taller than six feet, unless they were momentarily perfect, discretely jumped from five feet eleven+++ inches to six feet zero+++ inches skipping over the perfect height.  Alternately, you must assume not only that they were temporarily perfect, they were actually Jesus momentarily, which seems unlikely.  However, God does work in mysterious ways.

Somehow, I find this last definition of perfection to be the best I have ever heard.