There are grapes absolutely everywhere!  And, in celebration of this fact, here is a collection of odes to drink:

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‘Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, ‘It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’

~ Jack Handy

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‘I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ‘

~Frank Sinatra

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‘When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.’

~ Henny Youngman

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‘24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.’

~ Stephen Wright

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‘When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.  When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!’

~ Brian O’Rourke

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‘Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.’

~ Benjamin Franklin

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‘Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.’

~ Dave Barry

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To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the ‘ Buffalo Theory’ to his buddy Norm.

Here’s how it went:

‘Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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Enough!  Carol and I are going to settle in for a nice glass of wine!

Being an anarchist, Ramana caused a stir over at Grannymar’s blog and then had to repair the rift in the universal fabric by doing the piece on Ganesha on his blog.

What is little known is that Ganesha had a little brother – Tony – who traveled to Italy.  Going to Italy, he of course was drafted by the Vatican and given a job.  He became the bearer of the sacramental Chianti, which he transported across the pond to our humble abode in California.

Actually, I have no idea if any of these wines are from the Napa Valley.  Why so rude, you might ask.  Well, for one, these wines are funny.  For two, I have something else on my mind.

You will not believe this, but CNN has chosen two people out of infinity to try an experiment tomorrow.  I am one of the two.  Woo, woo!!

Here is the experiment.  Another guy and I have been chosen to be on the CNN Newsroom anchored by Rick Sanchez from 12:00 – 1:00 PM PDT (3:00 – 4:00PM EDT) tomorrow, 4/1/2009.  Now, let’s not have any comments about this happening on April Fools Day – unless you really want to.  We will be “conversing” on Skype while Rick interviews a guy about the legalization of marijuana.  Rick and the guy will be talking and referring to what we have to say while our conversation “stream” will be constantly displayed on the screen.

The universe has thrown me a really weird curve ball.  And I intend to take a good cut at it!  Hope some of you can tune in tomorrow.

In the meantime, some of those wine bottles still aren’t empty.  You might want to give them a try!  The Dog Tail and Toasted Head are pretty good, Smoking Loon right behind followed closely by 3 Blind Moose.  Barefoot is pretty common out here…but, it ain’t bad!  Now, Silver Oak Cabernet is to give up at least a car for (and it is sooo Napa Valley), but it’s no where near as funny.

Apples and Wine.

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that are not so good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men……..men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it is up to women to stomp the s**t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

There is far too much truth in this and, like I told Ramana, we men pay a price.  My wife, Carol, still looks young and quite lovely:

But, note the stern visage.  She is getting ready to carry out the second part of the above truth.  It is a painful process, but more importantly, you must see the result:

The stomping process is quite painful and creates tremendous pressure within the man.  We do become more pliable and – I guess we should use a euphemism here – civilized.

But, this practice must be stopped!  American men are becoming an endangered species.  Oh, the humanity…

Note: body double used for this demonstration so that I would still be able to type.  For old time’s sake, Carol agreed to stomp her brother instead.